Top 10 Things to Do In Melbourne

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The Winter Edition

(from an ex-pat’s perspective..aka if you’re poor)

1. Eat Asian food/Go to a Market/Go to a market & eat Asian food

It's all sooo00ooo good. And cheap. Heaps cheap!

Remembering warmer times...

Remembering warmer times...

Normally, I'd say the first thing to do here is go see all the laneway artwork, but it's too bloody cold out there for that right meow. But just for reference, super cool graphic art everywhere for $Free.99.

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2. Go on a 'Shtini* crawl

Drink espresso martinis until you can't actually call them by their full name anymore. No one wants to keep saying "espresso martini", and not many can say it accurately after having a few anyway. Hence was born the 'shtini.

*Trademarked...by me.

Meaning if you go into a bar and say, "I'll have a 'shtini", no one will know what the hell you are talking about, and 99% will immediately assume you're already slurring your words (unless you know the bartenders because you live nearby, crave a 'shtini every now and again, and have told them about your brilliant invention).

Make sure to do this during Happy Hour (otherwise they're $20 each)

As seen in exposed brick Morris Jones <3

As seen in exposed brick Morris Jones <3

As an avid 'shtini crawler I can recommend the following, depending on your day of crawl (*these are super biased as they're all either within, or close to, my neighborhood):

3. Drink the coffee

Each cup is a magical, life-changing experience. Save your money for this- it’s worth it.

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4. Go to an Australian Rules Football game

Understand it is different from Rugby.

If nothing else, go for the really, really, ridiculously fit men. And their man buns (Dad, this is a hair thing). 

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5. Find all the secret bars

It's like playing a hipster version of hide n seek. 

I can't give away recommendations here...because that would be cheating.

There's also puzzle bars. Yes, giant rooms of puzzles you have to figure out in order to advance to the actual bar. I'm going next week. #nerdsunite

6. Ride the trams

Because for most of this season, it's too bloody frigid to walk.

  • Don’t compare them to the NYC Subway, they're cleaner
  • Don't compare them to the DC metro, they’re actually reliable

7. Eat brekkie at all times of the day

a.     Poached eggs

b.    Beetroot smoked salmon

c.     Avo Smash

d.     All of the above

Washed down with a fresh 'ry. (Because I once told my roommates I wanted a "bloody" and they got grossed out). 

                                                                                      Hanoi Hannah.  The obsession is real.

                                                                                      Hanoi Hannah.  The obsession is real.

                                                                           Borsch, Vodka & Tears. The empty glass sadness is real.

                                                                           Borsch, Vodka & Tears. The empty glass sadness is real.

8. Wait an excessive amount of time to eat something you’ve heard about/read/seen on instagram

  •  I guarantee it will be worth it
  • And it’ll force you to find more secret bars

9. Go to the Yarra Valley (& Healesville Zoo)

 If the scenery isn’t enough to persuade, the free wine should do it. 

There's also 'roos, 'ualas, 'pus (platypus- get your heads outta the gutter), 'gos (dingos) and giant birds. 

AND beer.

AND cheese.

What else do you need???

10. Eat at Attica

Attica has been voted (for two years in a row) as one of the 50 Best Restaurants in the World. If you've ever seen the Chef's Table series on Netflix, there's an entire episode on Attica and head chef Ben Shewry. If you haven't, watch it. 

  •  I haven’t done this yet (see #8)

 

"Empty pockets never held anyone back. Only empty hearts and empty heads can do that."

- Norman Vincent Peale

NOW GO EXPLORE MY SLIM-POCKETED GYPSY FRIENDS!!!